Saturday, November 17, 2012

Thankful for the Crazy Chaos

Life usually throws twists and turns, but for me here lately, I feel like life has been throwing me hard balls, secret handshakes and trick candles. This year I’ve decided to be thankful for the blessings in disguise, if you will. I’m thankful to God for being God; for being in control of all things and for teaching me to be real, to be desperate and to not be self-sufficient. Of course I’m grateful for things He gives me but to be honest I’m typically not too grateful for the nuisances, the troubles and all the inconveniences. 

I’m not ultra religious and I lack discipline to read the Bible regularly. I can’t remember the last time I went to a church service and the height of my ‘good works’ has been picking up after the other members of my family. There’s no special, gifted, and super spiritual Proverbs 31 woman that lives here- it’s just me. I’m full of service but not always the sunniest soul in the room. Silas recently asked me, “Mom, what are you so angry about?” I answered with a reason, something pertaining to one of them not listening. He responded like a little psychologist, with “Mom, I mean, why are YOU so angry.” I thought, “You’re too little to be convicting me!” Instead, I just huffed and puffed and blew off steam under my breath before sulking, swallowing my pride, and asking for forgiveness from a three and four year old. 

It’s hard being a mom. I sometimes think, “Why the heck do I have this many kids so close together?!” How is it my reasoning skills were so off so many times? LOL. I can think such selfish thoughts and just not want to do anything for anyone all day. Sometimes I just want to sit, stare and veg. This is like the ultimate dream day for me. Sounds so silly to write, but maybe a mom or two out there knows what I’m talking about… then again, maybe not.

Motherhood can be so isolating, so demanding and so tedious. The stars all have to align to get everyone out of the house without someone crying hysterically. Sometimes I’m the one crying hysterically though… wondering why they all can’t be perfect and just listen the first time they are told to do something. Why can’t they stop whining? My God- the whining!! Sometimes I think I will explode. I send whoever’s whining to a far away place where the high-pitched unknown language can hardly be heard; but even then it’s me that wishes for a far off land. There are dark moments where everyone is crying over something and I just want to escape. I feel like I can’t breathe in the house and will need to step outside to just take in some fresh air. It’s like they suck the life right out of me and I need to get out to be replenished again in order to keep myself together and keep giving. 

People look at me with stars in their eyes sometimes and wonder how I do it. I’m like, “Wait, what? I have a choice to not do it?” Sign me up! I need a day…. " Having three kids in four years is crazy. I mean, really delusional and insane. At least it has been for me. I’m not a Duggar- soft spoken-completely organized- painted smile on my face all day- kind of mom. When I’m not frustrated and grinding my teeth at some little person, I’m laughing- often hysterically- mostly because I’ve gone past the point of no return. You know that feeling when you stay up way too late with a friend and you start laughing about something and you just can’t stop. It’s like you’ve gone gitty and whatever somewhat funny thing said is now over the top hilarious. You can’t help but snort and cackle like some odd drunk donkey, slapping your knee with your hand while tears stream down your cheeks uncontrollably? That’s me, except it’s not late at night and there’s no funny girlfriends. It’s me laughing at my kids. In the middle of discipling, dinner, diaper changes, you name it. I’m laughing right now, too. It’s just crazy and funny being in this season of life. Knowing it won’t last forever, but feeling like it will. It’s coming to grips with reality and embracing the good, the bad and the ugly. It’s praying every moment that you’re not messing them up too bad and taking pictures of everything because in a weird sense, the need to capture, to remember, to savor this crazy life is overwhelming. 

I know it’s crazy, I know it’s not all that desirable to some, (probably many) but it’s mine. It’s what God gave me. Now these moments that I write about are just raw moments for me. I believe every mom has them at least once in blue moon. These times when I’m ‘going off the deep end’ make me so aware of my desperate need for a Savior. I need God to rescue me, to save me and to give me discernment, release that pride within, to forgive me, and to simply love me. He never ceases to do all these things on a daily basis. This is why I’m such a fan of His. I fail. I fall short. I don’t measure up. But, God. He rescues me. He gets me out of that ugly pit and makes a way for me to make things right again. He’s in the business of restoration and He does that in my life moment to moment. He changes my attitude from only seeing the negative to only seeing the positive, from whining to pure gratefulness. Where things look bleak, He sheds light and there is hope. Where things seem two dimensional, He creates the three dimensional. He helps me to slow down when life is speeding ahead. He helps me enjoy the noise and take it all in with a heart of humility and gratitude. 

Silas told me to write this on the 'Thankful tree' leaf... how thankful I am for this too!

I’m so thankful for my life, not because it’s perfect but because it’s mine. Without my three little men in my life I would be unchallenged, way more selfish and definitely more vain. They challenge me, keep me grounded and show me what’s really important in life. Through them, God is refining me, teaching me and loving me through the whole thing. With Him I can be the kind of mom I’m proud to be- taking on God’s love, kindness, patience and long suffering. Oh God, do I need that long suffering- but without that martyr complex. J

2 Corinthians 4:8-9

We have troubles all around us, but we are not defeated. We often don’t know what to do, but we don’t give up. We are persecuted, but God does not leave us. We are hurt sometimes, but we are not destroyed. 

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