Dearest Reeve on your 2nd birthday,

Today you are two years old!! I’m mixed with all types of emotions as I think back to the day you were born

 

 and see how much you’ve grown these last two years…

I’m thinking about the ways you’ve been exactly the same and the ways you’re changing. How you were the snuggliest, sweetest, most contented baby that ever lived

  and how now you are the same exact way but on your own terms.

How you were quiet and now you’re loud. How before you were always sleeping and now you’re always awake trying desperately to keep up with those two nutty brothers of yours.

You are beyond busy. You are beginning to want mommy a little less and brothers a little more. You are asserting yourself as your own person instead of always being conjoined with me. You are learning that speaking up has its advantages instead of relying on others to speak for you. You move furniture all around the house, you dump little pieces of organized things in a big heaping pile on the floor, you lose sippy cups and hide all of our shoes in various boxes, drawers and compartments. You stand on the edge of extremely high edges and when you see my panicked face, you move closer to the edge to watch in delight as my expression goes from panicked to frantic.

According to you, you don’t need help anymore with things like eating yogurt, climbing up and down stairs, getting dressed and getting in your car seat.  You think you are so much bigger than you are. Even though this drives me absolutely bonkers, I have to admit, I’m not that much different than you. There are times when I go through life thinking I can do everything on my own too. I don’t need anyone’s help. I can climb this mountain, I can jump this ocean, I can chew more than I can swallow- all on my own. All the while, there is my Father guiding me, helping me in ways I’ll never know and desiring my full reliance on Him. In just the same way you are running away from my help. I know why. I know it’s hard to admit you still need my help. I understand a little too well my son. When you get tired and weary, when you can’t finish what you thought you could finish, I’ll never leave you in your desperation because my Father never leaves me either. You will one day learn that it’s better to trust me instead of always towing the line; just like it’s better for me to trust my Father instead of being weighed down with fear and anxiety. I can’t get frustrated with you because looking at you is like looking at myself. Whether in the physical or spiritual realm, trust is hard but necessary. It might seem like a weak position to hold but in truth it is the strongest people who have enough wisdom to recognize their own inadequacies while at the same time relying on the promise that His strength is their strength. Trouble comes when we think of strength and power independent of the true source. Having faith is boldly admitting we need more of God and less of ourselves pretending we are greater than we are.

Whether running away or running toward me, happy or sad, pushing the line or complying, snuggly or independent, temper tantrum or delightful squeals, I will love you the same. The same gigantic immeasurable love I've always and will always have for you, my precious son. I would say this is the same love my Father has for me, but it’s not even close. As much as I love you, His love for you is greater, and deeper and sweeter than mine could ever be in an eternity. As much as I want you to trust me, trust Him more. As much as I want you to snuggle with me, rest in His unfailing love more. As much as I want you to respect me, listen and fear Him with every fiber of your being. He is more than you can imagine Him to be. A rescuer in times of trouble and a friend in times of joy. He is the lover of your soul, baby.

Even though you are so small, your presence is larger than life. Everywhere we go you bring a smile to strangers’ faces. They look at you and you wave and say, HI!” and give them the smile of a lifetime. Young and old, strangers of all walks of life just beam and have a better day because of you sharing the love you have inside. You came to us as a surprise, a time when we were struggling. You were a blessing in disguise and through you we could hear God shouting clear as day, “Trust me! This is perfect! This is what joy looks like! Trust my perfect timing!” We are learning to listen to our Father and here you are, the love of our lives, teaching us, challenging us to be better, motivating us to trust the unseen, to be more content, and to be thankful no matter what.

My birthday wish for you is that wherever you go you would bring happiness and joy to others, just by being the joy-filled person God made you to be. I hope that your inner peace would bring others the same kind of contentment you were born with. I’m convinced this is your gift, among many others. I’m so excited to see your many gifts develop and blossom throughout the years. Never ever, in a million years, lose this gift of joy. You are, by far, the best undreamt dream come true. Sweeter than I could have ever dreamed. Messy, snuggly, wild, tiny-tornado, dirty, drooly, perfect. I love you Reeve Michael. Happy 2^nd Birthday!!

Love,

Mommy

You know you’re the wife of a police officer if…

1. When it’s raining, you know he won’t be home on time, ever.

2. You know better than to complain to him about being hot on a summer’s day in North Carolina... and you know the nastiness that lies underneath the kevlar...

3. He drives his mini van like his police car.

4. You know what 10-42 means (among other 10 codes).

5. You may find yourself on the other side of a homicide investigation, domestic dispute or car wreck just by calling in the middle of his shift to ask if he feels more like shepherd’s pie or tacos for dinner.

6. Dinner time stories, no matter how graphic, don’t phase you.

7. You know all the local drunks and insane people by name and where they hang out.

8. You find bullets in the dryer, in the couch and in random corners of the house.

9. When the children grow up they want to become… firefighters.

10. Watching daddy with his gun drawn evokes the same emotions as watching someone twiddle their thumbs.

11. The wife must work or the family just might starve to death.

12.  You never feel safer than when you’re with your husband, mostly because you have the inside scoop on the level of badass he is.

13. No matter how long he’s worn the uniform, when he puts it on he is still sexy as all get out.

14. He points out expired tags at least 10 times on every road trip with the family as you sit there rolling your eyes.

15. You’ve watched enough police YouTube videos to become a police officer yourself. 

Have anymore??? SHARE!!

The Day I Didn't Yell

I feel like something has happened to me. Today feels like a turning point in my life. All day I felt in control when I usually feel like the days control me. I woke up with a clearer focus. I not only had ‘things to do’ but little people to invest in. I didn’t feel tortured by my indecisiveness or my perpetual to-do lists.

I didn’t consciously prepare for today to be different, but it was. I had plenty of opportunities to yell at my ‘littles’, yet I just didn’t. It was almost as though I simply didn’t have it in me anymore. It wasn’t because I didn’t get mad enough. It was like I was able to see past the moment. Before, all I could see was red and nothing else. There has been some kind of switch that has turned on in my life. I feel the Light, the energy.

I can sense that my current reality is shifting. I’m a first-hand spectator on the journey my little itty-bitty babies are on… how now they’re big enough to not need Band-Aids or kisses from Mama to make it all better. I’ve always known that they’ll get older, bigger, hairier. But today, that ‘knowing’ went from my head and sank deep into my heart. I heard whispers all day saying ‘This is the last day you’ll get to have them at this exact age, tomorrow they’ll be a little older.” I sensed that today, even though from an outside view looked a lot like yesterday and the day before that- it somehow wasn’t. I sensed that I was running out of time, because I was, and I am.

Maybe this shift in my thinking is because Silas is starting kindergarten and he won’t be home every single moment, like he is now. Maybe it’s because I’m beginning to work outside the house here and there and the days are going to look totally different.  I’m realizing these seemingly boring days are somehow extremely valuable. I really don’t think I can pin point just one reason for this paradigm shift. All I know is today I was the eye of the storm. I was kinder and spoke sweeter words. I was calmer and got a few hard tasks accomplished.

I glanced at Silas and instantly saw myself as a little kid just wanting to love my mom and have fun, just like him.

I identified with him.

I saw how Cannon responded to a composed mom in a tense situation. He didn’t fight back. He submitted. He respected me more when I could control myself- I could see it in his eyes.

I earned his respect.

I looked at Reeve ripping up important papers and throwing food across the room and I quickly dealt with it instead of losing my mind with an emotional outburst.

I responded instead of reacted.

I’m starting to realize if I cannot manage myself, I can’t be effective at managing others.  

Today, I didn’t yell.

It takes a lot of energy to yell. I think yelling is not just spewing forceful words, it’s spewing angst, regrets and more turmoil than what’s already there. Not yelling is going in the other direction. It’s refocusing everyone on the positive, on what they should be doing, making a way where they can thrive. It’s not taking their sin personally. It’s identifying with them and coming alongside of them and guiding them with the wisdom of someone who’s been there, done that. Yelling is shaming and guilting in hopes they’ll hate that so much they will decide to turn around and go in the right direction. Yelling is verbal chaos. It’s like a bullhorn. It’s just loud noise that no one wants to hear- agitating, aggressive, confrontational, assertion of self. Keeping your wits about you and lovingly teaching them the right way is like a song. It’s an immediate shift in a new direction within the appropriate boundaries. It’s a lovely place where everybody wants to be and feels free to dance and be themselves.

Here at the end of the day I’m tired but it’s a different tired. I’m tired because I have a lively life filled with activity every moment of my day, but I’m not emotionally drained like I usually am. I didn’t realize how different it feels to be emotionally drained vs. physically tired. I’ll take physically tired any day.

I hope this sticks, I hope somewhere in the heavens God declared August 19^th the day that I finally grow up and start taking charge of my life instead of playing catch up and grasping at the coat tails of the hurricane of life. I hope it’s not just today. I hope that tomorrow and all my tomorrows after that will stem from the changes of today. I am impressed with today, with this peace I mysteriously acquired for no apparent reason. It’s probably not so mysterious after all. It’s a good thing and all good things come from God, right? I’m going to go ahead and give credit where credit is due. Maybe there is an unforeseen reason as well. I’m sure there is.

I’m so thankful for the subtle surprises that lighten my load and fill me with gratitude. Thank you Lord for love poured out and unmerited peace. I’m so glad I didn’t miss this day. It was yet another chance to learn, to reflect and to make adjustments for the benefit of my entire household but especially my little legacies.