An Open Letter to my Son about Baseball and Life

Dear Cannon,

It is a privilege to play this game.

I understand that it hurts to make an error that costs the team. It hurts to miss the pop fly or over throw the ball. It hurts to let that grounder go by you or get tagged out because you hesitated. I know it hurts and that you feel terrible. How do I know? Everyone feels terrible when they make a mistake. I’ve felt terrible in the past, everybody has, multiple times. You aren’t alone. Everyone will have a moment where they feel they ruined it for the team. I promise you… Every. Single. Person.

Having a sad face, moping around, getting lost in your emotions and hanging your head is NOT the answer. I know that’s what you want to do. I know that’s what you’ve always done. But today, you can redefine yourself. You and only you are in control of your emotions. You and only you get to decide how you will react. There are two choices when things aren’t going your way.

1. Feel the error, decide to put it behind you as quickly as you made it, learn from it and move on.

Or

2. Feel the error, let it sink deep down into your heart and mind and not forgive yourself. Stay upset, doubt yourself in everything and check out mentally from the game letting yourself and your team down.

No one can decide which option you take. You have to decide “who do I want to be?” If you don’t like the way you’ve been reacting to adversity, you can decide to change. All it is, is a decision. This is not a battle on the field with the other team. This is a battle up here, in your own mind. You are fighting yourself, your mindset, your beliefs, your emotions. Decide before the error, before the mistake, before the strike out, how you will react.. because son, it’s not if these things will happen, but when. They will happen and they need to happen. Why? Failures and setbacks are a necessary part of the learning process. 

Let’s just imagine for a second your team was undefeated. You’ve never lost a game, your team was superhuman and never made any errors. You hit every ball at bat and caught every ball on the field. In that situation, are you learning? Are you growing? Are you being challenged? Remember how boring it is to play a team that is inferior? You love a good challenging game because it’s fun and it forces you to play at your peak performance. Our mind and our bodies only grow when we exercise it through pain. We work out and have sore muscles to eventually have bigger and stronger muscles. While we are working out, it’s hard and painful. It’s a necessary part to get the reward of being stronger. 

The same is true for our minds. We need to make mistakes and learn from them to make connections and be able to figure things out in the future to become smarter. When we are talking about baseball, we NEED to make mistakes in order to grow and get better. It has to happen. It is actually a good thing. Through that mistake guess what happens? You grow your baseball knowledge and self-correct for the next time. That error that you let turn your emotions upside down is what will actually help you in the long run. I know it’s hard to think about the future when you make a mistake out on that field, but it’s the truth. It’s hard to go through… but son, I believe in you and I know you can do hard things. When you make a mistake yes, you will feel bad. But just let that feeling stay for a minute, then consciously shake it off like a wet dog shaking dry and say to yourself, “OK, that hurt but now I’m ready.” You can fight this feeling and come up on top and it doesn’t have to take the whole game to get over it. Because it’s not about getting over it, it’s about working through it.

I hope you realize this game is not about being perfect. Even if you win every game and get 100 trophies, remember they ultimately sit on a shelf and collect dust. Cannon, believe me when I say I don’t care about the trophies. I care about the man you are becoming becauseof baseball. In the words of Rocky Balboa, “It’s not about how hard you hit… it’s how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.” You have to decide to become the type of man who can keep getting hit and gets right back up. Babe Ruth knew this well. He said, “It’s hard to beat a person who never gives up.” Be that person, Can- not just in baseball, but in life.

Are you willing to take the hits, to deal with the hurt of making mistakes?

Are you willing to feel the hurt but only for a minute, then pick yourself back up?

Are you willing to be that person that cannot be broken? Who never gives up?

Herb Brooks said, “Great moments are born from great opportunity.” What greater opportunity is there, then when you’re down? That’s the golden time to show who has the most heart. Who is resilient? Who makes mistakes and puts it behind them? Who uses their emotions to fuel the fire to fight back instead of crumbling inside?

Use the error as a stepping stone. Put it under your feet. If you hold it over your head, it will be sure to crush you and your team. DO NOT put your self-worth in winning or losing. You are SO MUCH MORE than your performance, good or bad. If you only knew how incredible you were, you would never for a second hang your head. You are loved with the passion of a 1000 burning suns… so much more than you will ever know, and it has absolutely nothing to do with baseball or anything else. When you play ball, there is nowhere else I’d rather be. It’s not because you are the best baseball player. It’s because I love to see you grow physically, mentally, and emotionally. I love to see you work hard, have great sportsmanship, have opportunities to be honest, to show competitiveness and kindness, to get dirty and be a boy. I love to watch you laugh with your buddies and get better at the skills you’ve been working hard at. I love to see you think of the team before thinking of just yourself. These things are invaluable to me.

When your team wins, I will be your biggest and loudest cheerleader and celebrate to the moon with you. When your team has a loss and is getting discouraged and I look over and see you handle it like a boss and keep it in perspective, that is worth more to me than a 1000 wins. Because in life, you will get knocked down. There will be times you will need to go out and conquer the world when you don’t want to, when you have everything going against you. You’ll need to be man enough to fight how you feel. You’ll need to go out there and keep moving forward. Laying down and giving up is true failure. I need to know you’re going to keep getting back up no matter how hard life is.

Our priority in you playing baseball is to develop your mental toughness. The events that happen during a ball game will stretch you, but don’t let it break you. Take risks out there. Be brave. Be a fighter. Be resilient. Persevere through the losses and setbacks. Celebrate the growth. Stay humble. Remember there are ten year old boys who would give anything to be in your shoes. Some of them are in hospital beds with cancer, too weak to even get out of bed. Respect this game and all those who are unable to play enough to go out there each and every time and give it your all, everything you’ve got, 200%. Do this not just to win but remember Colossians 3:23

“Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men.”

So do it because you have a God-given gift. You are strong, develop it. Be a good steward of the things God gives you, including your body. Feel God’s pleasure and honor Him by using your gift to the best of your ability.

This game is a privilege.

Not everyone can play, but today you can. Remember that, think about that. Let that affect the way you play the game. Start and end each game with gratitude. Have so much fun playing the greatest game in the world. Don’t waste the opportunity to grow and a be a better you by wallowing in your feelings. You’re in charge of your feelings and it’s not the other way around. Be the victor of your mind because son, that is the greatest victory of all.

“God has not given Cannon a spirit of fear, but of power, of love and of a sound mind.”

-2 Timothy 1:7

Believe it! 

I love you,

Mom

What I Learned On My 10 Day Water Only Fast

Back in the day my youth group I was a part of did something called a 30 hour famine. As a group, we purposefully went without any food for 30 hours to get a feel for how those without food feel. During that time we worked in soup kitchens, prayed, and worked with those less fortunate. We all had our tummies growling and toward the end we all felt any longer than that we would surely die of starvation. We ended our fast scarfing down pancakes with imitation syrup and OJ. We had done our good deed and now that was over.

Fast forward 25 years later and who would guess I would embark on a 10 day fast. Fasting has been around since the beginning of time. Jesus fasted, various religions use fasting. I never really thought about it much. I know about various bible study fasts and things like that, but I just never did those studies. I knew I never wanted to do a fast because someone told me to do a fast. It had to be a conviction in me.

I have always been an averaged weight person. I would go up a few pounds, down a few pounds but stayed roughly in the same weight my whole adult life. Then I became pregnant.

My body interpreted pregnancy as the apocalypse. The end of the world is here! Store fat, lots and lots of fat! I ate more than I typically ate but nothing to warrant the 100lbs I gained with my first son. I went from a fairly skinny person to a very overweight person. After I had my baby I looked in the mirror and made a decision to be kind to myself. I didn’t like what I saw but I appreciated the body God used to bring about my precious boy. That appreciation and love I had for the life God brought through me propelled me to lose the weight.

I lost almost all of the weight in a short time through nursing and eating lower carb foods. In a type of miraculous way, pregnancy number two came six months after the birth of my first son. I immediately started gaining weight. I really didn’t want to gain so much weight again but once again my body wanted to store all the fat. I gained 65lbs. Afterwards, managing two babies and living a high stress life my weight dropped to record lows. I was below my normal.

Six months after the second birth I got pregnant again. This pregnancy lasted eight weeks. I had a miscarriage and in that short time had already gained ten pounds. I lost the weight almost immediately after my miscarriage. About a year after this I got pregnant again. As expected at this point, the weight started coming on me like some sort of plague. I would eat healthy foods and still gain. It was a sort of weight management nightmare. I had this doctor that was actually concerned with my history of weight gain and big babies. They were 10lbs 6oz and 9lbs 3oz. So this doctor performed test after test after test. Finally toward the end of my pregnancy, at 33 weeks, I found out I am prone to late term gestational diabetes.

So my first two pregnancies I most likely had this condition during my third trimester and insulin resistance was causing high blood sugar to flood my system and theirs. It’s scary to think this all went untreated. It’s a miracle they were ok. My first born nearly died during the birth, but by God’s grace he’s here and had no permanent damage from his shoulder dystocia.

When I got my diagnosis of gestational diabetes with my third pregnancy, I was put on very large quantities of insulin. Several times a day I’d eat what they told me to, test my blood sugar and take insulin. With my special diabetes diet I still managed to gain a whopping 75lbs. Baby boy three was born healthy, with an average weight of 8lbs 9oz. It took me a bit longer to lose the weight, but I managed to do so.

Pregnancy number four came five years later. At the age of 34, I was on the line for old age pregnancy issues and extra testing. I immediately started testing my blood sugar and got on insulin my very first trimester. It was a roller coaster of high blood sugar, low blood sugar and I often had night sweats and blood sugar crashes. All in all, we made it to the end and my first and only baby girl was born via C-section due to cord prolapse. Scariest birth to date as my failed epidural led me to having to be completely put under to have a very quick delivery, requiring a vertical incision.

Baby girl was as healthy as could be. Total weight gain was 90lbs. I didn’t worry too much knowing my history and high weight gains and fairly fast losses. However, this time was different. This time my weight wanted to stick around. I was left at 225lbs. For someone that is used to being somewhat thin (besides the pregnancy experience) this was a very strange feeling. Baby girl had weight gaining issues and so I was consumed by feeding her and making sure I ate enough to supply the milk she needed. This lasted for months. She eventually got the hang of it. Every time I attempted any low carb eating, my milk supply plummeted. It wasn’t worth it and I ate higher carb for the sake of my milk and baby. She nursed for about 2 years. So for two years I slowly lost weight, about 40lbs. When she finally weaned, it was time to get my body back. It was time to feel comfortable in my own skin, which I hadn’t felt in years at this point.

I went on keto and lost another 40 lbs in 6 months and then hit a plateau. After researching a bit I came across intermittent fasting with different options of eating and fasting. I decided to do the fasting for 16 hours and feasting for 8. When my weight slowed down with this method I read about longer fasting schedules. In my research to lose the weight I came across the science on how beneficial this is for our bodies. I learned so much about cellular rejuvenation. Fasting promotes autophagy which reboots the immune system and your human growth hormone is multiplied after a few days. I sat back in my chair and thought, “Of course it’s good for us. God designed us to fast.” There was this whole world of fasting that I had no clue even existed. I believed that after about 5-7 days without food, we became malnourished. What I learned blew me away. For example, there was a man in the 1960’s named Angus Barbieri that fasted 382 days and lost 276lbs… no food for over a year! I joined some Facebook groups and the information just kept flooding in.

Excited about all the benefits of fasting, I headed up my first fast, 3 days. I could do 3 days! Turned out, it was hard. I felt nauseous. I was in a bad mood. I actually went another day after learning that four days helped with immunity. I ended the fast and felt proud I did something so great for my body. That started me on my fasting journey.

I started following a fasting schedule where I would fast 2 whole days a week and do intermittent fasting the remaining 5 days. I lost weight rapidly and within a few months I was at my pre pregnancy average weight. I felt amazing. For the first time in many years I felt comfortable in my own skin. You just can’t put a price tag on that.

After reaching my goal weight and going on vacation, I could not bring myself to continue on this fasting regimen when I returned home. I ate foods I hadn’t eaten in months on vacation and now I had a taste of it. My lower carb options weren’t as appealing and I convinced myself I was tired of keto and all the work it took to stay on it.

After a few months of eating whatever I wanted I had gained about 15 lbs. I started a book called, “The Obesity Code” by Jason Fung and my eyes were opened to the true epidemic that’s going on in our communities, our schools, our churches. The lack of knowledge of nutrition facts, ingredients, is just astounding. The way God designed our bodies is miraculous. The way each system works in sync with the others is nothing short of total genius. Fasting rests one of these systems and helps the others to perform at it’s peak. It’s a reboot of sorts.

One of the fascinating things I came across was the idea that if you fasted 10 days once a year you could dramatically decrease your chances of developing various illnesses, diseases, cancers and especially dementia. Since my dad and his whole side of the family has this terrible disease, I am trying to do everything I can to prevent myself from getting it as well. After eating pretty poorly for a couple months and gaining a bit of weight I knew it was time to make a change. I got into the shower one morning and I just knew it was time. Today was the day I was doing this. I needed to regain control of my eating, my relationship with food, my obsession with pleasure, and most importantly my brain health. So with no preparation I dove head first into this uncharted territory.

Since I was a pretty regular faster prior to my vacation, the first few days were nothing to talk about. After the initial few days, I was ready to eat. I was making breakfasts, snacks, lunches, dinners, more snacks. I was still meal planning and grocery shopping. I found myself in the kitchen nearly half the day preparing food, food all over my hands, cleaning up food, feeding my baby, watching food they didn’t want go in the trash. I would get more upset than usual. The food! Stop wasting it! Eat it!

A few days later I wasn’t even half way there! No, this is crazy. I told the kids, I think I’ll just do 6 days and that’s good enough. Their faces… my God, the disappointment was palpable. I said I was going to do 10 days and now I was going back on my word. I told Brandon how I was thinking of ending my fast early and he said, “Imagine how proud you will be of yourself when you hit your 10 day mark.” That was it. I had to do it. Not because of the disappointment, not because of how proud I would be… I had to do it because I said I was going to do it. So day after day I continued to ride the waves of hunger. Day 8 I was in my car driving with Sammy in the back seat and I started thinking. I thought about my childhood, my experiences, my little world. I started to weep uncontrollably because gratitude washed over me like a heavy rain. I was inundated with the love of God and how he has chosen to love me throughout my whole life in spite of me. I came to terms with my selfish tendency to wander and His selfless tendency to bring me back to Himself. His love is like the ocean and crashes on me at the most unexpected times. It’s more than I can take sometimes. Day 8 got me like, “I can do anything because I deserve nothing, yet I have it all because I have Jesus.”

Day 9 and 10 came and I was ready to eat but honestly I could have kept going. My body was used to the pattern of no food and was running so efficiently on just water and electrolytes. The way God designed our bodies is nothing short of a miracle. Our fat stores are our fuel. I’m blown away by his design and care for us.

It came time to eat, to break my 10 day fast. I couldn’t believe it was here, that I had made it. What seemed impossible was actually attainable. I had shown my boys that not only do I expect them to do hard things when they want to give up, when it seems impossible, when its in their power to not do it, when it’s so easy to chose to not do it, but their mom can do the same. She can do hard things and struggle, and still do it. I hope they got that lesson.

My first foods had been planned out for a week at this point. I had made a homemade chicken broth while on my fast. I let it simmer for a day and half. I would stand over the pot and just smell the broth 10 minutes at a time, just breathing it in. It was almost like I could taste it through my nose. It smelled like heaven. I knew having this broth as part of my refeed would be incredibly beneficial.  I wanted to make sure my refeed was appropriate and gentle for my system. So I took my ¼ cup of mixed nuts and ever so slowly put it in my mouth, one nut at a time. To say they were the best nuts in the whole wide world would be an understatement. I could taste the deep rich flavors of each individual nut, how the almonds texture and flavor was savory and the macadamia was bold and airy. The cashew was perfectly salty and the pecan was perfection. I savored each nut, each bite. Maybe for the first time in my life a true appreciation for food hit me.

As I prepared my chicken broth I had made, I added a myriad of vegetable from the earth… green beans, mushrooms, broccoli, zucchini, onions, garlic, peas, and carrots. I put it all together without a recipe and took a deep breath in. It was wildly wonderful. My first spoonful enlightened all my senses and once again a deep and profound appreciation just took over. My eyes teared up because I knew in the depths of my soul that God was just so kind. He is so kind to give us pleasure in food when He didn’t have to. Yet like everything else wonderful He gives us, we abuse it. That one spoonful opened my eyes to how good He was. He could have just provided us manna and He would have still been good. He didn’t have to shower us with all the colors of the rainbow of vegetables, berries, and fruits. He gave us intellect in how to prepare them to benefit our bodies the best, yet we drown it in sugar and chemicals and artificial substances our bodies don’t even recognize as food. We get surprised when our bodies respond by inflammation, disease and chronic pain. Food. The thing we eat everyday multiple times a day is a gift. It’s a precious gift and it’s so easy to forget we are stewards of this gift.

So I ate my whole bowl of chicken and vegetable soup and just sat in appreciation. I wasn’t planning on sharing anything about this fast with anyone. This was a personal decision to help with my own issues. I was expecting to lose a bit of weight, I was expecting to grow my mental toughness, I wasn’t expecting the greatest lesson of all… gratitude. A deep and profound gratitude of something I have taken for granted my whole life.

Through the Mouth of Babes

I was only able to get the 7pm-8pm Walmart online grocery store pickup time for today. Tough time for a mom with 4 littles and a husband away at work. Trying to wrangle the kids in the car was enough to make me break out in a sweat! My kindergartener had every excuse in the book why he should be able to stay home and he tried to argue his point about a dozen times. I had run out of patience about 3 kids ago so I lost my composure and rose my voice to ask him such a fine question which was “What is your problem?!!” Not my finest mothering moment. I left the oldest 2 at home and strapped a wiggly discontented 2 year old in the car seat while Reeve moped his way into the van with his head hung low. I sit in the car trying to figure out why there is a bedtime alert going off on my phone. I realize the baby must have been playing with my phone earlier and messed with my settings. I vent my frustrations out under my breath in incomprehensible grumbles and finally make my way to good ole Walmart. Not two minutes down the road Reeve pipes up and says, “Um, mom? I just want to thank you for everything you’ve ever done for me my whole life.”

I lower the volume because, “What?” Did I just hear what I thought I heard? Was this one of Reeves goofy random thoughts of bizarreness? (He is known for asking very obvious questions that frustrates everyone with ears). I actually laughed because this sounded scripted. Was someone telling him what to say in an ear bud or something? I quickly stopped laughing when I turned around and saw his face, how he was staring out the window. For once in his life, the boy with the permanent smile on his face wasn’t smiling. It shocked me the way he looked actually.

My boy repeated what he had just said and continued talking in a voice that wasn’t his.  

“I just want to say thank you for everything you’ve ever done for me for my whole life. I know daddy’s dad died and that brought daddy down here and he married you. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for that, but God brought our family together for joy. So, I just want to say thank you for everything.”

Speechless I drove in silence for a minute processing what just happened. I gathered myself and choked back the tears to tell him how sweet those words were and thanked him for sharing.

What. Just. Happened.

As soon as I get a chance at a red light, I write down what he just said because I can’t even believe my ears. I can’t miss the importance of this. After all the arguing and dealing with such a disgruntled mom he comes up with this?? Then it hit me. That sounded NOTHING like Reeve. I mean, no resemblance. It was truly like someone else was talking through him... because maybe just maybe there was Someone talking through him. Could God, the creator of the universe be speaking life to me through my kindergartener in the middle of my mess on my way to Walmart? This seemed too over the top ‘spiritual’ to me. Did I just dream this up? There was no warning, no piano playing softly in the background, no build up of fuzzy feelings... just pure unadulterated gratitude and love right smack in the middle of my ugly. It became so obvious to me that God showed up to tell me something important, really important. Something I’ve been missing. Something he wants me to have. 

Gratitude and joy. 

I seemed to have lost it along the way somewhere. Turns out it was right here the whole time in the heart of my son, flying under the radar of all the busy and distractions of life. It’s been right at my fingertips in red letters on my end table beckoning me to come everyday... but this, but that.

I am still in shock and amazement over this. I can’t ignore it any longer. It’s time. Time to be intentional with gratitude and end the negative self-talk about how horrible I am. Time to stand up to the haters in my head and raise my head to the light to find my hope and strength in Him. It’s time to trade the dread in my heart for joy. I’m so thankful for these moments in time that seem to come out of nowhere, but in actuality, come at the exact right time. He stopped me in my destructive path to shine a light on gratitude and joy. Oh how I have missed true joy. I’m so thankful God isn’t done with me yet. I’m so thankful he cares so deeply for me... enough to not leave me in my mothering vacuum to sulk all alone in all my inadequacies. 

Did He really show up in my mini van to tell me there’s another way... to remind me he put my family together for joy. It was like He was saying, “Priscilla, don’t miss this.” To think that He really cares for my weary soul... what a Savior.  This my friends is why I am blessed. This and only this. Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so. He’s still gathering up my hidden ashes and turning them into something beautiful. I believe that.

Does Mama Still love you?

I’m not going to lie; I don’t like putting my boys to bed. I know that sounds horrible, but it is what it is. All the talks of snuggles and sweet moments before bed have eluded me. I usually get the grasshopper impressions, fake fart noises and incessant laughter that won’t quit. Running around wild with or without undies is the usual around here. After a long day, my patient way of handling things goes out the window and I become someone I don’t like. Hubby has taken over night time routines and I think we’re all a little better off. One night when hubby wasn’t home I was trying to wrangle the monkeys into bed and I unfortunately lost my cool with my middle one. I managed to pray over them and tell them that I loved them before turning off the light. Then I hear the middle one. In his quiet mumbling voice he whispers, “No you don’t.” My heart sank a little that night. All the feelings of inadequacy, guilt and failure flooded over me in one enormous wave. I said, “Yes, I do.” He said, “Then why do you yell at me?” I apologized and said, “I shouldn’t do that, I’m just tired and no one is listening.” He said it again, “I still don’t believe you. I’ll never believe you.” With that I said, ‘Well, I do.” I closed the door.

Not one of my finest moments as a mom. It got me thinking though, “I wonder if they know that my love for them is not dependent on what they do or how angry I get?”  Obviously my middle one doesn’t think so. The next day I asked my other two boys, “When mommy is mad at you, do you think I still love you?” The moment of truth came in one simultaneous answer, “no.” I thought well, let’s figure out why and make it right.

It took some conversations but the greatest impact usually hits right in the heat of the moment when I am delivering their consequence. I’ll tell them, I am not happy with what you just did but even now I love you just the same.” After another infraction or a disappointing event at school, “I’m disappointed in your choices, but I’ll never stop loving you.” After one brother whacks another one, “That is unacceptable, you’ll need to apologize, but even right now I love you.” I’ll tell them when emotions are flying and when they’re not. If I have another moment, I’ll apologize and tell them, “Even when I’m so upset that I can’t see straight, even then I love you.” I’m not letting them think for even a split second otherwise. I won’t let them believe a lie. I’ll say, “Even if you pull all your tickets at school, say a thousand mean words, start a thousand fights or light a match and burn our whole house down. I’ll be so upset with you, they’ll be lots of consequences, but I’ll love you the same. I know you can’t understand but there is absolutely nothing you can do that will take my love away from you. Even if everyone doesn’t like you and you can’t find one friend in the whole world, you can always count on me loving you the same as the day you were born.”

I mess up a lot (see example above) and make tons of mistakes. I feel so out of my league being a parent. If I didn’t know better I would think that God’s heart would break when He sees me messing up, but I know the truth. He already forgave me when He said, “It is finished,” I’m in the process of forgiving myself and trusting in His finished work. I’m in a state of thankfulness for what He has already done at the cross. I’m so grateful His love is agape. Is there anything more wonderful? The best news in the world is His love can’t change. Even when He was dying on the cross the world was shouting hateful words at Him and telling Him to ‘die’ and mocking Him- the creator and savior of the world. You know what He chose to say at that exact moment?  He says, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” Even in the depths of our human depravity, He loves. He can’t stop loving. Son, he IS love. In His kindness He gives us love to give away. He gives us forgiveness to forgive those that don’t deserve it. He gives us every good thing. He is the master gift giver. Without Him we try and muster these things up all on our own but it always falls short. The way mommy and daddy loves you is a small imperfect reminder of the way God loves us. Don’t ever say that I don’t love you but even if you’re really mad and you say it anyway, guess what? I’ll still love you- even then.

These boys of mine, they bring me to the cross. I thank God that even in the ugly moments He shows me opportunities to grow. I thank God that in all my imperfections He is still loving me, refining me and teaching me how to be more like Him.  

Free in the Furnace

Sometimes there are events that happen in life which just don’t make sense. Events that are like a consuming fire burning up all the tomorrows we thought we’d have. A million dreams, a thousand kisses and caresses, and hundreds of memories yet to be had… all ablaze in an instant. She will always have a place in all of our lives. Even though we never got a chance to know her, her life in the womb was not in vain. She was loved, is loved and will always be loved. She was wanted, cherished, and adored. She was special, irreplaceable, unique and totally beautiful. She leaves a hole in our hearts that only the Lord can fill.

Thinking about what my brother and my sister-in-law are going through, I keep thinking about my two favorite scriptures in the bible found in Daniel 3:24-25. “Then Nebuchadnezzar the king was astounded and stood up in haste; he said to his high officials, “Was it not three men we cast bound into the midst of the fire?” They replied to the king, “Certainly, O king.” He said, “Look! I see four men loosed and walking about in the midst of the fire without harm, and the appearance of the fourth is like a son of the gods!”

This passage gets me every time. I close my eyes and picture the scene as the three men are violently thrown in this horrific inferno. How even the guards who were ordered to throw them in succumbed to death as the entrance to the furnace was too hot to withstand. I picture the king’s expression, the disbelief, as he rubs and squints his eyes as he questions what he sees. Then there are the three men who once were bound but somehow became free- free in the furnace. Walking about with these free men is this fourth person, the Creator of the universe, Immanuel.  He could have prevented that whole situation. He could have performed a miracle and had the men go free before even entering the hell hole. He chose not to. He chose a different path, to physically show us who He is- a God who does not watch from afar as we are thrown in these fiery furnaces of life.

We assert ourselves and want to know ‘why’ we want it all to make sense. We want to say, “Oh, this happens so that could happen and this was meant for this…” The hard truth is we can never know the full picture. How can God’s perfect plan include such horrible tragedies? We demand answers that even if He explained it would be incomprehensible to us. I equate it with a loving mom or dad holding down a screaming child so he can get a painful procedure done that is for the child’s benefit in the long run. There’s no way that small child can understand why a loving parent would hold him down while he screams out for mercy. Only the parent knows that this pain is temporary. Only that parent knows how much they love their child and how much they wish their child could trust them.

We throw our fists up in the air knowing He could have prevented this pain, yet we somehow forget we are arguing with someone who laid down His life for ours. We doubt His goodness because we cannot fathom something horrible being allowed by an all loving God. God-forbid any circumstance shake the core of what we believe and know about His character… that He is truly all loving, all knowing, infinitely holy God who by His very essence cannot be understood. Understanding His character gives us a hope, a faith that no matter what happens; His love is deeper than the ocean. No circumstance can change who He is or the extent of His love. If we only had an eternal perspective how much more life would make sense. God has a way of reminding us of the truth in the most unlikely of places, namely from the lips of a six year old boy.

My boy Silas asked innocently why I was crying. I told him, “Well Buddy, today is a sad day.” Without hesitation he said, “If you change what you’re thinking about, then you’ll be happy.” Even at six years old he instinctively knew that our feelings are controlled by our thinking. It was a profound moment as that little boy’s words sunk deep down in my spirit.

So I took my six year old boy’s advice... I thought about heaven and my brother who passed five years ago, Mike. I pictured Hannah with my nephew Sean playing together. I pictured paradise, laughing and unspeakable joy. I could almost hear the angelic music as I imagined the party atmosphere. I pictured Mike throwing the kids up in the air and I heard his laugh that I miss hearing so much. I envisioned only kind words, peace and everything eternal and forever. No end, no tragedies, no anxiety or stress. This is the true reality. This heart wrenching moment in our fleeting lives seems like the reality, but Christ calls us to faith in the unseen. In the interim where pain and death abide we must be like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. We must walk through the fiery furnace and not be consumed- all because of that fourth man, our only hope, Christ Jesus our Savior and deliverer.

I won’t pretend to know the feeling of losing my baby. The pain must be unimaginable. All I can do is cling to the promises of God. In times of despair preach to myself the truth that He loves us and He sticks closer than a brother. He died for us and will never leave us or forsake us. He identifies with us and loves our children more than we ever could. We will spend forever in heaven because of what Christ did for us. Heaven is the greatest reunion, the happiest, most joyous celebration that will never end.

With all that we know, with all the promises of God afresh in my spirit- my heart is still bruised and battered for our family. Sad that we won’t see Hannah’s bright beautiful eyes or hear her sweet little giggles this side of heaven. We won’t see her brother, Logan hold or try and feed his baby sister. Her purple butterfly room will remain empty and quiet and there will be tears, aches and pains of the deepest kind.

One day we’ll see her again and envy her life that she got to spend every moment with her Creator living in absolute beauty and perfection. Until then, we will continue to miss her. God help us to treasure and protect the hope that we will inevitably forget to have in moments of misery. God we need you now to help us remember your words, help us to hold fast the truth, and help us to trust in what we cannot see to set us free in this fiery furnace- believing in Immanuel, God-with-us.

What blessing?

I’ve been thinking a lot about blessings lately. “Blessed.” I hear it all the time. “Johnny got a new bike? He’s blessed! You have a couple of kids? You’re blessed! Promotion? Marriage? Great friends? Blessed, blessed, blessed!  Are we all blessed? Why? What makes us blessed? If someone doesn’t have those things, are they not as blessed? These are the things I was pondering while making tacos for dinner. I even stopped to wipe my hands with the kitchen towel to look up the definition on my phone. It read, “highly favored or fortunate (as by divine grace). I let that definition sink in as I chopped my tomatoes and grated the cheese. “Blessed.” I think to myself how blessed I am when I see my boys piled high in hugs and love. Then there are other times when I’m cleaning poop off remote control car controllers and breaking up fights… I don’t feel so blessed then. So, which is it? Are blessings only for good times and good attitudes? Is life a light switch of blessings and curses?

Every New Year’s Day, no matter the year, I always relive 2010. Receiving that terrible phone call, looking into Brandon’s deer-in-headlights-eyes. Feeling numb and helpless I hear him tell me in no good way, “Your brother Mike, died.” I heard it, but I didn’t hear it. I couldn’t process those words. I just took it in and mentally went to another place where I wouldn’t let myself feel. It was supposed to be a new year. It was supposed to be full of potential, energy, high hopes… not tragedy. He left behind four young kids, a wife, family and friends that loved and adored him. It was the saddest thing to think about.

A month later, my mother got diagnosed with breast cancer. She would need to have a mastectomy. The following month I had a miscarriage. To say the least, it was a rough start to 2010. That year I wrestled with a lot. The hardest was watching my mom and dad deal with the grief of losing their son. How they would sit around reliving his childhood, breaking out the old pictures, remembering all the stories: funny, ridiculous, scary. Raw unfiltered emotions flying… it was a year of tears, change, new normals, and rolling with the punches.

I had to know, what was considered a blessing in God’s perspective? Are we still blessed when we go through hard times? When I came across Matthew 5, it hit me like a ton of bricks… 

He is our blessing and if He lives in us, we will always be blessed no matter what happens in this life.

3“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
⁴ Blessed are those who mourn,
    For they shall be comforted.
⁵ Blessed are the meek,
    For they shall inherit the earth.
⁶ Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    For they shall be filled.
⁷ Blessed are the merciful,
    For they shall obtain mercy.
⁸ Blessed are the pure in heart,
    For they shall see God.
⁹ Blessed are the peacemakers,
    For they shall be called sons of God.
¹⁰ Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake,
    For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Were we blessed back in 2010? We were and have always been blessed. Circumstances don’t dictate that. Why the tragedies? Why the heartaches? I don’t know. What I do know is that God knows the whole picture. I have to ask myself, “Which way am I going to look at this?” Through my eyes? Through his children’s eyes? How about through Mike’s eyes? Well, Mike is in heaven. I’m certain his life now is infinitely better than the life he had here on earth. All of a sudden depending on which way I looked at the same situation, there it was… a blessing peeking through. Choosing to look at it through God’s eyes it’s clear that there’s always a blessing. What about the rest of us? God blesses us too. He promises to comfort us but most of all He promises us eternal life. Hope, faith, trust, assurance. This is our blessing.

This life that we live now is just a blink of an eye compared to eternity. He’s created us to live a life of blessing; to help us remember we’re blessed and to empower us to bless others. He created us to seek the truth and put it into practice to stand for what’s right. He blesses us in so many ways we couldn’t number them if we tried. There’s the blessing of children, great job, clean running water, warm clothes, nutritious food… the list is endless. But like Luke 11:28 says in reference to someone blessing Jesus’ mother Mary, He responds,“…More than that, blessed are those who hear the word of God and keep it!” So, in light of Jesus’ words urging us to hear the word of God and keep it, let’s live in the light of His blessing no matter what may come our way this year.

The times when life is terribly sad. When the grief is too much to bear. Even in moments like these, the blessing is not the tragedy… the blessing is in the perspective, in our hope in Christ. Believing that He is all-knowing, all-powerful, all-good. He is our hero and rescuer. Our love. He is the only One who can take the ashes we experience and somehow turn it into beauty.

Today is the first day of a new year, a year filled with mystery to us. God holds this year in the palm of His hands. Whatever may happen there is nothing that can occur that will take away the blessing we have always and forever. No one can snatch us out of our Father’s hand. What greater promise is there?

Lord, help us to look at life the way you look at life. Help us to be the salt, the light, the change. When others see the way we handle life, let them see your wisdom, grace, mercy and truth. Amen.

Have a BLESSED New Year my friends.

Thanks Mom and Dad

I know recently you’ve been apologizing for the way you’ve raised us. Little comments here and there rolling your eyes at yourselves about how you can’t believe you forbade us to celebrate Halloween and how you both were ‘so ridiculous’ because you never did let us believe in an imaginary Santa Claus. I know you feel you’ve deprived me. Through the years it seems you are acquiring something the enemy loves to have us drag along with us- guilt. I have something so important I need to share with you. Please believe me when I say

you did well.

Now more than ever I can see a little more clearly the tough decisions you both made in raising us kids. I realize no one handed you a manual to answer all the tough questions. As far as I know, there were no glowing examples either of you could look up to, to emulate. This raising four kids in the ways of the Lord thing was uncharted territory- I get that. In light of that, I am truly amazed at the ways your extremely strong convictions held strong against the crashing tidal wave of consumerism, culture and disapproving pressure from others- including us!

This letter is not to say that the way you did everything was right and ‘look at me now!’ It’s a letter of gratitude to let you know that I so appreciate my upbringing. I have no regrets about my non-participation in Halloween activities, my non-existent lack of imagination due to never believing in Santa Claus or my thinking of Easter in terms of an empty tomb while others only knew about a big scary bunny. Not only do I not have any regrets, but dealing and wrestling with the ‘whys’ and ‘why not’s’ of each holiday solidified the side I chose to be on.

You presented the ‘narrow way’ and I willingly walked counter culturally. It was never easy to be different but that’s no reason to regret the choice you made. I realized back then that following Christ is never the easy way. It was uncomfortable to be the only one not celebrating Halloween or the only one not believing in an imaginary character. But looking back on it now, what an important lesson I learned.  To stand up for what I believed in, even if it was unpopular.

I grew up knowing, feeling and seeing the ways I was so very different than the majority of my classmates. You know what, mom and dad? That set the stage to forming who I was and who I was to become as an adult. I remember Brandon looking me dead in the eyes and telling me that he had never met anyone with such strong convictions in his life. Not to say I’m always right in my convictions, BUT it’s a little easier for me because you set the stage for me to walk counter culturally on many occasions during my growing up years. Don’t ever apologize for this. This was a blessing for me. If you’re ever proud of us kids for our perspective or pleased with the various ways we are going counter culturally- know that you built that in us. All those hard years and tough decisions created something beautiful and powerful in our core. It built our character even if it wasn’t done perfectly. I’m here to tell you that in the imperfections, my character was being refined. My values were being tested, and your convictions became mine as I sought to honor God the way you always sought to. As a kid, who has convictions? Who knows anything about values and following what’s right even when it’s unpopular?

I did.

So, thank you mom and dad for instilling in me a different way to go. You molded an independent thinker, someone who cares more about what God thinks than about what my neighbor thinks. You carved out the narrow way for me to walk and I am grateful for it. So, I didn’t get to dress up in costumes as a kid. I learned valuable lessons- spiritual battles and spiritual warfare are real. Don't give the enemy a foothold, remember to keep separate the ways of sin and fun and be careful to discern between the two. Be aware that the devil is real and is the author of confusion and deception. When friends and teachers would feel sorry for me and ask me ‘Why?’ all I could hear were your voices saying, “Sweet daughter, Jesus is worthy, choose the narrow way.”

How many little kids can say their parents taught them that?

I can.

Thanks mom and dad for fighting the world on our behalf. I probably complained and had a hard time settling the ways of the world with the ways of God. How separate they were! I’m sure I felt deprived, envious, like I was missing out, alone. I needed to work through those feelings to work out my own salvation. I needed to choose the narrow way for myself. 

I did.

Thanks for showing me the way mom and dad. What I lacked in feeling accepted, God provided for me through His overwhelming love. No need to beat yourselves up. Instead pat yourselves on the back for caring enough to teach the hard lessons even when it was unpopular. I can only hope to do the same for my boys. It’s not easy but anything worth having is worth fighting for, right? You both are exactly what I needed to be the woman I am today. I love you!!!!!!!!!!

Love,
Priscilla

Dearest Reeve on your 2nd birthday,

Today you are two years old!! I’m mixed with all types of emotions as I think back to the day you were born

 

 and see how much you’ve grown these last two years…

I’m thinking about the ways you’ve been exactly the same and the ways you’re changing. How you were the snuggliest, sweetest, most contented baby that ever lived

  and how now you are the same exact way but on your own terms.

How you were quiet and now you’re loud. How before you were always sleeping and now you’re always awake trying desperately to keep up with those two nutty brothers of yours.

You are beyond busy. You are beginning to want mommy a little less and brothers a little more. You are asserting yourself as your own person instead of always being conjoined with me. You are learning that speaking up has its advantages instead of relying on others to speak for you. You move furniture all around the house, you dump little pieces of organized things in a big heaping pile on the floor, you lose sippy cups and hide all of our shoes in various boxes, drawers and compartments. You stand on the edge of extremely high edges and when you see my panicked face, you move closer to the edge to watch in delight as my expression goes from panicked to frantic.

According to you, you don’t need help anymore with things like eating yogurt, climbing up and down stairs, getting dressed and getting in your car seat.  You think you are so much bigger than you are. Even though this drives me absolutely bonkers, I have to admit, I’m not that much different than you. There are times when I go through life thinking I can do everything on my own too. I don’t need anyone’s help. I can climb this mountain, I can jump this ocean, I can chew more than I can swallow- all on my own. All the while, there is my Father guiding me, helping me in ways I’ll never know and desiring my full reliance on Him. In just the same way you are running away from my help. I know why. I know it’s hard to admit you still need my help. I understand a little too well my son. When you get tired and weary, when you can’t finish what you thought you could finish, I’ll never leave you in your desperation because my Father never leaves me either. You will one day learn that it’s better to trust me instead of always towing the line; just like it’s better for me to trust my Father instead of being weighed down with fear and anxiety. I can’t get frustrated with you because looking at you is like looking at myself. Whether in the physical or spiritual realm, trust is hard but necessary. It might seem like a weak position to hold but in truth it is the strongest people who have enough wisdom to recognize their own inadequacies while at the same time relying on the promise that His strength is their strength. Trouble comes when we think of strength and power independent of the true source. Having faith is boldly admitting we need more of God and less of ourselves pretending we are greater than we are.

Whether running away or running toward me, happy or sad, pushing the line or complying, snuggly or independent, temper tantrum or delightful squeals, I will love you the same. The same gigantic immeasurable love I've always and will always have for you, my precious son. I would say this is the same love my Father has for me, but it’s not even close. As much as I love you, His love for you is greater, and deeper and sweeter than mine could ever be in an eternity. As much as I want you to trust me, trust Him more. As much as I want you to snuggle with me, rest in His unfailing love more. As much as I want you to respect me, listen and fear Him with every fiber of your being. He is more than you can imagine Him to be. A rescuer in times of trouble and a friend in times of joy. He is the lover of your soul, baby.

Even though you are so small, your presence is larger than life. Everywhere we go you bring a smile to strangers’ faces. They look at you and you wave and say, HI!” and give them the smile of a lifetime. Young and old, strangers of all walks of life just beam and have a better day because of you sharing the love you have inside. You came to us as a surprise, a time when we were struggling. You were a blessing in disguise and through you we could hear God shouting clear as day, “Trust me! This is perfect! This is what joy looks like! Trust my perfect timing!” We are learning to listen to our Father and here you are, the love of our lives, teaching us, challenging us to be better, motivating us to trust the unseen, to be more content, and to be thankful no matter what.

My birthday wish for you is that wherever you go you would bring happiness and joy to others, just by being the joy-filled person God made you to be. I hope that your inner peace would bring others the same kind of contentment you were born with. I’m convinced this is your gift, among many others. I’m so excited to see your many gifts develop and blossom throughout the years. Never ever, in a million years, lose this gift of joy. You are, by far, the best undreamt dream come true. Sweeter than I could have ever dreamed. Messy, snuggly, wild, tiny-tornado, dirty, drooly, perfect. I love you Reeve Michael. Happy 2^nd Birthday!!

Love,

Mommy