Presents and Presence

My husband and I live modestly. We’ve come to only buy what we need and through this, have realized how very little we actually need. We rarely buy the kids gifts and toys throughout the year since we simply don’t have the money for that kind of thing during this season of life. We don’t follow the three gifts per kid in reference to the three presents the three kings brought to Jesus for Christmas. Brandon and I love to overwhelm and overload them with gifts. Isn’t that what Jesus does for us? At least that's how we justify the lavishness!  We love the anticipation, the sparkle in their eyes, the excitement, the chaos, just the whole darn thing. We use the Christmas bonus to go a little crazy showering them with everything we couldn’t afford to get them throughout the year. We absolutely love it and so do they. Last year we just went out and threw things in the shopping cart without really thinking through the quality and the reviews of each toy. Many things we got didn’t last long and a few even broke on Christmas day! This year we wanted it to be different. On Black Friday I decided to check out the deals and saw quite a few! I needed to stay home and do it all online since the boys were home with me. I was in the trenches of online deals, researching, comparing prices, looking up best toys of the year by age group and all sorts of things.

Silas and Cannon were easy. They are three and four and I knew the kind of things they like to do and play with. Reeve, my one year old, was harder. When I was thinking about what he would like, I really didn’t know for sure. He is so quiet, so easy, that I couldn’t even think what he would want. He usually just plays in the cabinets or with his brothers following them around. Before I bought anything for him, I wanted to observe him and see what kind of toys he liked best. I found my opportunity when he woke up from his nap while the other two were still sleeping. After a little while I put him down on the floor, surrounded with toys, and watched what he gravitated to. He just sat there looking up at me probably wondering why I was just standing there. After a little bit of him not doing much of anything I showed him his talking dog with lights; he was not impressed. I gave him a book; he took a bite of the corner then tossed it. I zoomed a car over to him and he looked at it, smiled, then crawled on. He would pick up a toy, put it in his mouth then toss it. No one toy was really standing out as a favorite.

I looked at the clock and saw I had an hour before the other two woke up from their nap. I had major chores backed up that I desperately needed to do. As I looked at the happiest baby in the world and thought about the mountain of clothes that needed folding, I knew I had a decision. It was a no-brainer… I chose the baby. It was the best decision of the day. I decided to get down on the floor with him to see what other toys I could find. As soon as my bottom hit the floor I realized how rarely I do that with him. When he saw me on the floor, he actually squealed with delight and crawled as fast as he could over to me. I then got on my hands and knees and crawled all over his room chasing him and letting him chase me. His belly laughs made it so worth while. I had no other thoughts besides just loving on him. After the beating on my knees, I keeled and played peek-a-boo just to see that beaming smile, hear those squeals, take in his adoration and give him mine.

After several “peak-a-boos,” he crawled right over and began climbing on me. I think he was trying to reach the top of the Mommy Mountain-giggling all the way to the top. The pulls, pokes, jabs, yanks and drooling were his way of showing me that he loved me… and I was loving every second of it. I had an epiphany right there and then in the middle of the nursery, with a foot in my bra and a stream of drool flowing down my neck- I’m it! I’m his favorite toy! He could have a hundred different ‘Voted best toy of the year with five star rating’ toys and nothing would make his eyes sparkle like when he’s able to chase his crawling Mama on the floor. I had such a heartwarming time with my baby. I didn’t think I could love him more than I already did, but getting on the floor with him and playing made me remember how special of a kid he is and how much I love and adore him. I knew what I was going to get Reeve for Christmas… more purposed play time with Mama, which will inadvertently be my Christmas gift too.

The whole experience playing on the floor with Reeve reminded me of the last time I went to a local bookstore. When I went through the ‘Christian living’ aisle, I looked up at the seemingly miles long wall of devotions. I thought about buying one, and then decided against it since I already have several. I thought to myself, ‘I want more of God, but not necessarily more books about God.’ As I continued my walk down the aisle, I felt so overwhelmed. There were figurines, Scripture plaques, framed photographs with Christian quotes, beautiful journals, books, mints, belts- you name it. In the same way Reeve was in a room full of all sorts of toys but only wanted to play with me; I was surrounded by wonderful God related resources and the only thing I really wanted, the only thing that would make my eyes sparkle and my soul content, was to be in the presence of my Father. There is no substitute, no tangible means that ever comes close to relationships. What perfect timing God chose to share this with me- in the middle of the gift purchasing process, when my mind and heart needed reminding that the gifts are just tools that help build the relationship, not a substitution of it.

Silas and the Gospel

It was one of those days where I felt like my chaotic life was going to get the best of me. Every corner of every room was filled to the hilt with kid randomness. Markers, toys, itty bitty tiny pieces of paper, socks, and who knows what else was scattered around the house. My one, three and four year olds were literally running (and crawling) circles around me. I felt like patting myself on the back to have gotten breakfast served before 11am since it was a circus act hopping over babies and cooking over last nights dishes. It probably looked like a comedy routine to a fly on the wall, but to me, it was just life. Nothing to hoot and holler about, just the chaos that normally consumes me on a regular basis. I just looked around at the mess and instead of feeling charged to clean, I felt the very opposite. I felt so tired on so many levels- and I hadn’t even started! I looked over at the fire in the fireplace and saw it needed to be poked to keep the flames ablaze. Perfect excuse to procrastinate even more, I thought.

I walked over and tended to the fire while my little ones leaped and rolled on the rug behind me. If only I could bottle up a tenth of that energy! I decided to sit right in front of the fire and watch it build up. What is it about kids when parents get on the floor with them? I could see all three of their eyes well up with exhilaration as they climbed and rolled all over me. I knew I couldn’t miss this. I needed to be present with them. It was so hard to stop my mind from whirling and weary thoughts on cleaning, organizing, bills, laundry, meals and schedules~ but I had to, I wanted to. I wanted to just have peace with not a stitch of worry. As I sat down in front of the fire, my four year old, Silas, snuggled up to me while I scratched his back. He had questions about how his daddy and I met, what it was like when I found out the boys were inside my belly and things like that. I told them about the day they were born and how their daddy and I were beside ourselves with excitement and anticipation. How Silas was the biggest baby in the hospital and how his cheeks were so big I couldn’t even see his eyes.  I told my three year old, Cannon, how when he was in my belly he would kick me so hard. I told him how I remembered that the minute he came out, his scream could be heard in the next city over. They asked question after question and ate up all the attention. They gleamed at the thought of being loved so much before they were even born.

Silas snuggled closer and asked me why we named him, ‘Silas’. I told him the story of how one day I was reading my Bible and came across the story of Paul and Silas. I told him that Paul and Silas loved God and couldn’t help but tell other people about Jesus. The judge sent them to jail for being troublemakers, even though they didn’t do anything wrong. His furrowed eyebrows showed the injustice he felt at such a thing. I asked him how he would react if he had to go to jail for no good reason. We talked about feeling sad, mad and complaining about how unfair it would be. When I told him that Paul and Silas did none of those things, he was surprised. I said not only did they not complain, but they prayed and sang songs of praise to God. They worshiped when so many others would have just sat in the corner and cried. I told him that God heard them singing and an earthquake hit and all their chains were loosed and they were free! He was excited that God showed up in such a big way. I told him how much that story meant to me. I said I just loved the fact that even when Paul and Silas were captured and thrown in jail, they loved God so much that they still managed to lift their hands and voices up in praise all night long. I explained how not only did I love that story, but I loved the name ‘Silas’, too. The next question he had bottled up was about heaven. He wanted to know how to get there.

I told him the only way to get to heaven is to believe that when Jesus died, he took all of our sin, all the bad stuff, and put it on himself. Silas chimed in with, “OH! He put all that sin in his heart, inside of him?” I agreed with him and said that not only did He take away all our sin, but He gave us all his love in return. I told him that when Jesus died on the cross he removed all of our sins, forever. He inquisitively answered, “But I still sin, Mom.” He looked perplexed, a little like myself when I think about the same thing. I told him that even though we sin, God only sees Jesus’ love covering all that yucky stuff. He was as quiet as a mouse, just sitting there with his head tilted back, taking it all in. I told him the only thing we can do to get into heaven is to ask God to forgive us and believe what Jesus did for us. I explained that we can’t do anything, we just have to believe. It seemed too simple, even to say that to him. Using the most basic vocabulary reminded me of how simple and amazing the Gospel really is.

He didn’t have anymore questions. I could tell he had a lot to mull over in his little mind. I asked him if he wanted to ask Jesus into his heart. He looked at me, put his hands in the air and said, “Mom, I’m just a kid!” We laughed out loud together and I just gave him a squeeze. I told him if he had anymore questions or if he ever wants to ask Jesus in his heart another time, to just let me know. He ran off to play and I was left staring at the fire again. I was so grateful to share the beautiful Gospel with my son. I felt like the house and my life being so overwhelming was somehow in the plan.  Feeling so beat down led me to get on the floor with my kids and talk about what really matters. Even though the dishes were still piled high and the floor was still in dire need of a good mopping, I felt that peace I desperately needed to keep keeping on. It’s the peace that rushes in when I surrender and let God do His thing, even in the middle of a very chaotic life.

Thankful for the Crazy Chaos

Life usually throws twists and turns, but for me here lately, I feel like life has been throwing me hard balls, secret handshakes and trick candles. This year I’ve decided to be thankful for the blessings in disguise, if you will. I’m thankful to God for being God; for being in control of all things and for teaching me to be real, to be desperate and to not be self-sufficient. Of course I’m grateful for things He gives me but to be honest I’m typically not too grateful for the nuisances, the troubles and all the inconveniences. 

I’m not ultra religious and I lack discipline to read the Bible regularly. I can’t remember the last time I went to a church service and the height of my ‘good works’ has been picking up after the other members of my family. There’s no special, gifted, and super spiritual Proverbs 31 woman that lives here- it’s just me. I’m full of service but not always the sunniest soul in the room. Silas recently asked me, “Mom, what are you so angry about?” I answered with a reason, something pertaining to one of them not listening. He responded like a little psychologist, with “Mom, I mean, why are YOU so angry.” I thought, “You’re too little to be convicting me!” Instead, I just huffed and puffed and blew off steam under my breath before sulking, swallowing my pride, and asking for forgiveness from a three and four year old. 

It’s hard being a mom. I sometimes think, “Why the heck do I have this many kids so close together?!” How is it my reasoning skills were so off so many times? LOL. I can think such selfish thoughts and just not want to do anything for anyone all day. Sometimes I just want to sit, stare and veg. This is like the ultimate dream day for me. Sounds so silly to write, but maybe a mom or two out there knows what I’m talking about… then again, maybe not.

Motherhood can be so isolating, so demanding and so tedious. The stars all have to align to get everyone out of the house without someone crying hysterically. Sometimes I’m the one crying hysterically though… wondering why they all can’t be perfect and just listen the first time they are told to do something. Why can’t they stop whining? My God- the whining!! Sometimes I think I will explode. I send whoever’s whining to a far away place where the high-pitched unknown language can hardly be heard; but even then it’s me that wishes for a far off land. There are dark moments where everyone is crying over something and I just want to escape. I feel like I can’t breathe in the house and will need to step outside to just take in some fresh air. It’s like they suck the life right out of me and I need to get out to be replenished again in order to keep myself together and keep giving. 

People look at me with stars in their eyes sometimes and wonder how I do it. I’m like, “Wait, what? I have a choice to not do it?” Sign me up! I need a day…. " Having three kids in four years is crazy. I mean, really delusional and insane. At least it has been for me. I’m not a Duggar- soft spoken-completely organized- painted smile on my face all day- kind of mom. When I’m not frustrated and grinding my teeth at some little person, I’m laughing- often hysterically- mostly because I’ve gone past the point of no return. You know that feeling when you stay up way too late with a friend and you start laughing about something and you just can’t stop. It’s like you’ve gone gitty and whatever somewhat funny thing said is now over the top hilarious. You can’t help but snort and cackle like some odd drunk donkey, slapping your knee with your hand while tears stream down your cheeks uncontrollably? That’s me, except it’s not late at night and there’s no funny girlfriends. It’s me laughing at my kids. In the middle of discipling, dinner, diaper changes, you name it. I’m laughing right now, too. It’s just crazy and funny being in this season of life. Knowing it won’t last forever, but feeling like it will. It’s coming to grips with reality and embracing the good, the bad and the ugly. It’s praying every moment that you’re not messing them up too bad and taking pictures of everything because in a weird sense, the need to capture, to remember, to savor this crazy life is overwhelming. 

I know it’s crazy, I know it’s not all that desirable to some, (probably many) but it’s mine. It’s what God gave me. Now these moments that I write about are just raw moments for me. I believe every mom has them at least once in blue moon. These times when I’m ‘going off the deep end’ make me so aware of my desperate need for a Savior. I need God to rescue me, to save me and to give me discernment, release that pride within, to forgive me, and to simply love me. He never ceases to do all these things on a daily basis. This is why I’m such a fan of His. I fail. I fall short. I don’t measure up. But, God. He rescues me. He gets me out of that ugly pit and makes a way for me to make things right again. He’s in the business of restoration and He does that in my life moment to moment. He changes my attitude from only seeing the negative to only seeing the positive, from whining to pure gratefulness. Where things look bleak, He sheds light and there is hope. Where things seem two dimensional, He creates the three dimensional. He helps me to slow down when life is speeding ahead. He helps me enjoy the noise and take it all in with a heart of humility and gratitude. 

Silas told me to write this on the 'Thankful tree' leaf... how thankful I am for this too!

I’m so thankful for my life, not because it’s perfect but because it’s mine. Without my three little men in my life I would be unchallenged, way more selfish and definitely more vain. They challenge me, keep me grounded and show me what’s really important in life. Through them, God is refining me, teaching me and loving me through the whole thing. With Him I can be the kind of mom I’m proud to be- taking on God’s love, kindness, patience and long suffering. Oh God, do I need that long suffering- but without that martyr complex. J

  

2 Corinthians 4:8-9

⁸ We have troubles all around us, but we are not defeated. We often don’t know what to do, but we don’t give up. ⁹ We are persecuted, but God does not leave us. We are hurt sometimes, but we are not destroyed.