What I Learned On My 10 Day Water Only Fast

Back in the day my youth group I was a part of did something called a 30 hour famine. As a group, we purposefully went without any food for 30 hours to get a feel for how those without food feel. During that time we worked in soup kitchens, prayed, and worked with those less fortunate. We all had our tummies growling and toward the end we all felt any longer than that we would surely die of starvation. We ended our fast scarfing down pancakes with imitation syrup and OJ. We had done our good deed and now that was over.

Fast forward 25 years later and who would guess I would embark on a 10 day fast. Fasting has been around since the beginning of time. Jesus fasted, various religions use fasting. I never really thought about it much. I know about various bible study fasts and things like that, but I just never did those studies. I knew I never wanted to do a fast because someone told me to do a fast. It had to be a conviction in me.

I have always been an averaged weight person. I would go up a few pounds, down a few pounds but stayed roughly in the same weight my whole adult life. Then I became pregnant.

My body interpreted pregnancy as the apocalypse. The end of the world is here! Store fat, lots and lots of fat! I ate more than I typically ate but nothing to warrant the 100lbs I gained with my first son. I went from a fairly skinny person to a very overweight person. After I had my baby I looked in the mirror and made a decision to be kind to myself. I didn’t like what I saw but I appreciated the body God used to bring about my precious boy. That appreciation and love I had for the life God brought through me propelled me to lose the weight.

I lost almost all of the weight in a short time through nursing and eating lower carb foods. In a type of miraculous way, pregnancy number two came six months after the birth of my first son. I immediately started gaining weight. I really didn’t want to gain so much weight again but once again my body wanted to store all the fat. I gained 65lbs. Afterwards, managing two babies and living a high stress life my weight dropped to record lows. I was below my normal.

Six months after the second birth I got pregnant again. This pregnancy lasted eight weeks. I had a miscarriage and in that short time had already gained ten pounds. I lost the weight almost immediately after my miscarriage. About a year after this I got pregnant again. As expected at this point, the weight started coming on me like some sort of plague. I would eat healthy foods and still gain. It was a sort of weight management nightmare. I had this doctor that was actually concerned with my history of weight gain and big babies. They were 10lbs 6oz and 9lbs 3oz. So this doctor performed test after test after test. Finally toward the end of my pregnancy, at 33 weeks, I found out I am prone to late term gestational diabetes.

So my first two pregnancies I most likely had this condition during my third trimester and insulin resistance was causing high blood sugar to flood my system and theirs. It’s scary to think this all went untreated. It’s a miracle they were ok. My first born nearly died during the birth, but by God’s grace he’s here and had no permanent damage from his shoulder dystocia.

When I got my diagnosis of gestational diabetes with my third pregnancy, I was put on very large quantities of insulin. Several times a day I’d eat what they told me to, test my blood sugar and take insulin. With my special diabetes diet I still managed to gain a whopping 75lbs. Baby boy three was born healthy, with an average weight of 8lbs 9oz. It took me a bit longer to lose the weight, but I managed to do so.

Pregnancy number four came five years later. At the age of 34, I was on the line for old age pregnancy issues and extra testing. I immediately started testing my blood sugar and got on insulin my very first trimester. It was a roller coaster of high blood sugar, low blood sugar and I often had night sweats and blood sugar crashes. All in all, we made it to the end and my first and only baby girl was born via C-section due to cord prolapse. Scariest birth to date as my failed epidural led me to having to be completely put under to have a very quick delivery, requiring a vertical incision.

Baby girl was as healthy as could be. Total weight gain was 90lbs. I didn’t worry too much knowing my history and high weight gains and fairly fast losses. However, this time was different. This time my weight wanted to stick around. I was left at 225lbs. For someone that is used to being somewhat thin (besides the pregnancy experience) this was a very strange feeling. Baby girl had weight gaining issues and so I was consumed by feeding her and making sure I ate enough to supply the milk she needed. This lasted for months. She eventually got the hang of it. Every time I attempted any low carb eating, my milk supply plummeted. It wasn’t worth it and I ate higher carb for the sake of my milk and baby. She nursed for about 2 years. So for two years I slowly lost weight, about 40lbs. When she finally weaned, it was time to get my body back. It was time to feel comfortable in my own skin, which I hadn’t felt in years at this point.

I went on keto and lost another 40 lbs in 6 months and then hit a plateau. After researching a bit I came across intermittent fasting with different options of eating and fasting. I decided to do the fasting for 16 hours and feasting for 8. When my weight slowed down with this method I read about longer fasting schedules. In my research to lose the weight I came across the science on how beneficial this is for our bodies. I learned so much about cellular rejuvenation. Fasting promotes autophagy which reboots the immune system and your human growth hormone is multiplied after a few days. I sat back in my chair and thought, “Of course it’s good for us. God designed us to fast.” There was this whole world of fasting that I had no clue even existed. I believed that after about 5-7 days without food, we became malnourished. What I learned blew me away. For example, there was a man in the 1960’s named Angus Barbieri that fasted 382 days and lost 276lbs… no food for over a year! I joined some Facebook groups and the information just kept flooding in.

Excited about all the benefits of fasting, I headed up my first fast, 3 days. I could do 3 days! Turned out, it was hard. I felt nauseous. I was in a bad mood. I actually went another day after learning that four days helped with immunity. I ended the fast and felt proud I did something so great for my body. That started me on my fasting journey.

I started following a fasting schedule where I would fast 2 whole days a week and do intermittent fasting the remaining 5 days. I lost weight rapidly and within a few months I was at my pre pregnancy average weight. I felt amazing. For the first time in many years I felt comfortable in my own skin. You just can’t put a price tag on that.

After reaching my goal weight and going on vacation, I could not bring myself to continue on this fasting regimen when I returned home. I ate foods I hadn’t eaten in months on vacation and now I had a taste of it. My lower carb options weren’t as appealing and I convinced myself I was tired of keto and all the work it took to stay on it.

After a few months of eating whatever I wanted I had gained about 15 lbs. I started a book called, “The Obesity Code” by Jason Fung and my eyes were opened to the true epidemic that’s going on in our communities, our schools, our churches. The lack of knowledge of nutrition facts, ingredients, is just astounding. The way God designed our bodies is miraculous. The way each system works in sync with the others is nothing short of total genius. Fasting rests one of these systems and helps the others to perform at it’s peak. It’s a reboot of sorts.

One of the fascinating things I came across was the idea that if you fasted 10 days once a year you could dramatically decrease your chances of developing various illnesses, diseases, cancers and especially dementia. Since my dad and his whole side of the family has this terrible disease, I am trying to do everything I can to prevent myself from getting it as well. After eating pretty poorly for a couple months and gaining a bit of weight I knew it was time to make a change. I got into the shower one morning and I just knew it was time. Today was the day I was doing this. I needed to regain control of my eating, my relationship with food, my obsession with pleasure, and most importantly my brain health. So with no preparation I dove head first into this uncharted territory.

Since I was a pretty regular faster prior to my vacation, the first few days were nothing to talk about. After the initial few days, I was ready to eat. I was making breakfasts, snacks, lunches, dinners, more snacks. I was still meal planning and grocery shopping. I found myself in the kitchen nearly half the day preparing food, food all over my hands, cleaning up food, feeding my baby, watching food they didn’t want go in the trash. I would get more upset than usual. The food! Stop wasting it! Eat it!

A few days later I wasn’t even half way there! No, this is crazy. I told the kids, I think I’ll just do 6 days and that’s good enough. Their faces… my God, the disappointment was palpable. I said I was going to do 10 days and now I was going back on my word. I told Brandon how I was thinking of ending my fast early and he said, “Imagine how proud you will be of yourself when you hit your 10 day mark.” That was it. I had to do it. Not because of the disappointment, not because of how proud I would be… I had to do it because I said I was going to do it. So day after day I continued to ride the waves of hunger. Day 8 I was in my car driving with Sammy in the back seat and I started thinking. I thought about my childhood, my experiences, my little world. I started to weep uncontrollably because gratitude washed over me like a heavy rain. I was inundated with the love of God and how he has chosen to love me throughout my whole life in spite of me. I came to terms with my selfish tendency to wander and His selfless tendency to bring me back to Himself. His love is like the ocean and crashes on me at the most unexpected times. It’s more than I can take sometimes. Day 8 got me like, “I can do anything because I deserve nothing, yet I have it all because I have Jesus.”

Day 9 and 10 came and I was ready to eat but honestly I could have kept going. My body was used to the pattern of no food and was running so efficiently on just water and electrolytes. The way God designed our bodies is nothing short of a miracle. Our fat stores are our fuel. I’m blown away by his design and care for us.

It came time to eat, to break my 10 day fast. I couldn’t believe it was here, that I had made it. What seemed impossible was actually attainable. I had shown my boys that not only do I expect them to do hard things when they want to give up, when it seems impossible, when its in their power to not do it, when it’s so easy to chose to not do it, but their mom can do the same. She can do hard things and struggle, and still do it. I hope they got that lesson.

My first foods had been planned out for a week at this point. I had made a homemade chicken broth while on my fast. I let it simmer for a day and half. I would stand over the pot and just smell the broth 10 minutes at a time, just breathing it in. It was almost like I could taste it through my nose. It smelled like heaven. I knew having this broth as part of my refeed would be incredibly beneficial.  I wanted to make sure my refeed was appropriate and gentle for my system. So I took my ¼ cup of mixed nuts and ever so slowly put it in my mouth, one nut at a time. To say they were the best nuts in the whole wide world would be an understatement. I could taste the deep rich flavors of each individual nut, how the almonds texture and flavor was savory and the macadamia was bold and airy. The cashew was perfectly salty and the pecan was perfection. I savored each nut, each bite. Maybe for the first time in my life a true appreciation for food hit me.

As I prepared my chicken broth I had made, I added a myriad of vegetable from the earth… green beans, mushrooms, broccoli, zucchini, onions, garlic, peas, and carrots. I put it all together without a recipe and took a deep breath in. It was wildly wonderful. My first spoonful enlightened all my senses and once again a deep and profound appreciation just took over. My eyes teared up because I knew in the depths of my soul that God was just so kind. He is so kind to give us pleasure in food when He didn’t have to. Yet like everything else wonderful He gives us, we abuse it. That one spoonful opened my eyes to how good He was. He could have just provided us manna and He would have still been good. He didn’t have to shower us with all the colors of the rainbow of vegetables, berries, and fruits. He gave us intellect in how to prepare them to benefit our bodies the best, yet we drown it in sugar and chemicals and artificial substances our bodies don’t even recognize as food. We get surprised when our bodies respond by inflammation, disease and chronic pain. Food. The thing we eat everyday multiple times a day is a gift. It’s a precious gift and it’s so easy to forget we are stewards of this gift.

So I ate my whole bowl of chicken and vegetable soup and just sat in appreciation. I wasn’t planning on sharing anything about this fast with anyone. This was a personal decision to help with my own issues. I was expecting to lose a bit of weight, I was expecting to grow my mental toughness, I wasn’t expecting the greatest lesson of all… gratitude. A deep and profound gratitude of something I have taken for granted my whole life.

Through the Mouth of Babes

I was only able to get the 7pm-8pm Walmart online grocery store pickup time for today. Tough time for a mom with 4 littles and a husband away at work. Trying to wrangle the kids in the car was enough to make me break out in a sweat! My kindergartener had every excuse in the book why he should be able to stay home and he tried to argue his point about a dozen times. I had run out of patience about 3 kids ago so I lost my composure and rose my voice to ask him such a fine question which was “What is your problem?!!” Not my finest mothering moment. I left the oldest 2 at home and strapped a wiggly discontented 2 year old in the car seat while Reeve moped his way into the van with his head hung low. I sit in the car trying to figure out why there is a bedtime alert going off on my phone. I realize the baby must have been playing with my phone earlier and messed with my settings. I vent my frustrations out under my breath in incomprehensible grumbles and finally make my way to good ole Walmart. Not two minutes down the road Reeve pipes up and says, “Um, mom? I just want to thank you for everything you’ve ever done for me my whole life.”

I lower the volume because, “What?” Did I just hear what I thought I heard? Was this one of Reeves goofy random thoughts of bizarreness? (He is known for asking very obvious questions that frustrates everyone with ears). I actually laughed because this sounded scripted. Was someone telling him what to say in an ear bud or something? I quickly stopped laughing when I turned around and saw his face, how he was staring out the window. For once in his life, the boy with the permanent smile on his face wasn’t smiling. It shocked me the way he looked actually.

My boy repeated what he had just said and continued talking in a voice that wasn’t his.  

“I just want to say thank you for everything you’ve ever done for me for my whole life. I know daddy’s dad died and that brought daddy down here and he married you. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for that, but God brought our family together for joy. So, I just want to say thank you for everything.”

Speechless I drove in silence for a minute processing what just happened. I gathered myself and choked back the tears to tell him how sweet those words were and thanked him for sharing.

What. Just. Happened.

As soon as I get a chance at a red light, I write down what he just said because I can’t even believe my ears. I can’t miss the importance of this. After all the arguing and dealing with such a disgruntled mom he comes up with this?? Then it hit me. That sounded NOTHING like Reeve. I mean, no resemblance. It was truly like someone else was talking through him... because maybe just maybe there was Someone talking through him. Could God, the creator of the universe be speaking life to me through my kindergartener in the middle of my mess on my way to Walmart? This seemed too over the top ‘spiritual’ to me. Did I just dream this up? There was no warning, no piano playing softly in the background, no build up of fuzzy feelings... just pure unadulterated gratitude and love right smack in the middle of my ugly. It became so obvious to me that God showed up to tell me something important, really important. Something I’ve been missing. Something he wants me to have. 

Gratitude and joy. 

I seemed to have lost it along the way somewhere. Turns out it was right here the whole time in the heart of my son, flying under the radar of all the busy and distractions of life. It’s been right at my fingertips in red letters on my end table beckoning me to come everyday... but this, but that.

I am still in shock and amazement over this. I can’t ignore it any longer. It’s time. Time to be intentional with gratitude and end the negative self-talk about how horrible I am. Time to stand up to the haters in my head and raise my head to the light to find my hope and strength in Him. It’s time to trade the dread in my heart for joy. I’m so thankful for these moments in time that seem to come out of nowhere, but in actuality, come at the exact right time. He stopped me in my destructive path to shine a light on gratitude and joy. Oh how I have missed true joy. I’m so thankful God isn’t done with me yet. I’m so thankful he cares so deeply for me... enough to not leave me in my mothering vacuum to sulk all alone in all my inadequacies. 

Did He really show up in my mini van to tell me there’s another way... to remind me he put my family together for joy. It was like He was saying, “Priscilla, don’t miss this.” To think that He really cares for my weary soul... what a Savior.  This my friends is why I am blessed. This and only this. Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so. He’s still gathering up my hidden ashes and turning them into something beautiful. I believe that.

Does Mama Still love you?

I’m not going to lie; I don’t like putting my boys to bed. I know that sounds horrible, but it is what it is. All the talks of snuggles and sweet moments before bed have eluded me. I usually get the grasshopper impressions, fake fart noises and incessant laughter that won’t quit. Running around wild with or without undies is the usual around here. After a long day, my patient way of handling things goes out the window and I become someone I don’t like. Hubby has taken over night time routines and I think we’re all a little better off. One night when hubby wasn’t home I was trying to wrangle the monkeys into bed and I unfortunately lost my cool with my middle one. I managed to pray over them and tell them that I loved them before turning off the light. Then I hear the middle one. In his quiet mumbling voice he whispers, “No you don’t.” My heart sank a little that night. All the feelings of inadequacy, guilt and failure flooded over me in one enormous wave. I said, “Yes, I do.” He said, “Then why do you yell at me?” I apologized and said, “I shouldn’t do that, I’m just tired and no one is listening.” He said it again, “I still don’t believe you. I’ll never believe you.” With that I said, ‘Well, I do.” I closed the door.

Not one of my finest moments as a mom. It got me thinking though, “I wonder if they know that my love for them is not dependent on what they do or how angry I get?”  Obviously my middle one doesn’t think so. The next day I asked my other two boys, “When mommy is mad at you, do you think I still love you?” The moment of truth came in one simultaneous answer, “no.” I thought well, let’s figure out why and make it right.

It took some conversations but the greatest impact usually hits right in the heat of the moment when I am delivering their consequence. I’ll tell them, I am not happy with what you just did but even now I love you just the same.” After another infraction or a disappointing event at school, “I’m disappointed in your choices, but I’ll never stop loving you.” After one brother whacks another one, “That is unacceptable, you’ll need to apologize, but even right now I love you.” I’ll tell them when emotions are flying and when they’re not. If I have another moment, I’ll apologize and tell them, “Even when I’m so upset that I can’t see straight, even then I love you.” I’m not letting them think for even a split second otherwise. I won’t let them believe a lie. I’ll say, “Even if you pull all your tickets at school, say a thousand mean words, start a thousand fights or light a match and burn our whole house down. I’ll be so upset with you, they’ll be lots of consequences, but I’ll love you the same. I know you can’t understand but there is absolutely nothing you can do that will take my love away from you. Even if everyone doesn’t like you and you can’t find one friend in the whole world, you can always count on me loving you the same as the day you were born.”

I mess up a lot (see example above) and make tons of mistakes. I feel so out of my league being a parent. If I didn’t know better I would think that God’s heart would break when He sees me messing up, but I know the truth. He already forgave me when He said, “It is finished,” I’m in the process of forgiving myself and trusting in His finished work. I’m in a state of thankfulness for what He has already done at the cross. I’m so grateful His love is agape. Is there anything more wonderful? The best news in the world is His love can’t change. Even when He was dying on the cross the world was shouting hateful words at Him and telling Him to ‘die’ and mocking Him- the creator and savior of the world. You know what He chose to say at that exact moment?  He says, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” Even in the depths of our human depravity, He loves. He can’t stop loving. Son, he IS love. In His kindness He gives us love to give away. He gives us forgiveness to forgive those that don’t deserve it. He gives us every good thing. He is the master gift giver. Without Him we try and muster these things up all on our own but it always falls short. The way mommy and daddy loves you is a small imperfect reminder of the way God loves us. Don’t ever say that I don’t love you but even if you’re really mad and you say it anyway, guess what? I’ll still love you- even then.

These boys of mine, they bring me to the cross. I thank God that even in the ugly moments He shows me opportunities to grow. I thank God that in all my imperfections He is still loving me, refining me and teaching me how to be more like Him.